this is the last post this blog will make
Skull pile.
The thing about Carver Hawke is that no one seems to like Carver Hawke, both in game and out of it.
Carver is whiny
Carver is awkward
Carver doesn’t appreciate what he has
Carver is sullen and rude and joins the templars and
Carver survived the massacre at Ostagar as a teenager and never talks about it
Carver lost his twin to violent death and never got to mourn her properly
Carver has lived his life feeling lesser because of the way he was born, set aside because of an innate talent that he did not and cannot ever possess
Carver is just Carver because his older sibling is Hawke and what must it be like to have even that legacy of his father taken away from him by the sibling who he is constantly being compared to (and he is always found wanting in comparison to his sibling)
Carver tries to find his place in the world when he thinks his older sibling has
a) abandoned him because he wasn’t good enough and
b) gone and died and left him to support his mother alone and
c) joining the templars is a good job for a Fereldan refugee whose life skills include “able to hold a sword” and “????” but then big sib comes back and immediately accuses him of betraying them
and wouldn’t that be a slap in the face to try your best and be told that your best just isn’t good enough over and over again?
Would it be such a strange thing to say “well fuck you, I’m doing things my way this time” and damn the consequences because you’re just so tired of having your life choices questioned?
So I get why people don’t like Carver, but honestly, I think they’re wrong.
The signs as Van Gogh flower paintings.
What can I say?
Every day i’m floored. Every day I wake up to strangers writing to me, saying things that bring me to tears.
I could have never imagined my life could be this.
I never thought for a second that I could have love like this.
I have to tell you, I almost gave up. So many times.
I remember being a teen in southern oregon, drinking myself to sleep every night, hoping that I wouldn’t wake up the next day.
I remember looking in the mirror and hating myself more than words could express. I remember how I would spit poison, tearing myself down, thinking that I didn’t deserve a sliver of happiness.
I remember kids making fun of me after school, I remember how I used to run from campus in 8th grade, because I knew if I didn’t run, i’d be tasting my own blood in my mouth.
I remember hiding my bruises from teachers because I didn’t want to talk about how I got the shit beaten out of me if I didn’t skip class before the final bell rang.
I remember feeling like my heart was going to burst.
I remember looking at pictures of pretty boys and crying, wanting so badly for my body to be different, to be like them.
So, you have to see, every day i’m floored.
Because I never thought I deserved happiness.
& then theres you, theres all of you.
Theres the sweet words, the compliments, the messages every day that affirm my existence, and I think of when I was a teen and how I thought I just deserved to die, because I thought I wasn’t worthy of love. You have helped me heal.
I wish I could give all of you this back, tenfold.
I want all the kids who think that they don’t deserve happiness to know that the world is a beautiful place with them in it.
I want everyone who fights every day to survive that I believe in them. That their strength can’t be measured. That they are incredible.
I want to give you all the world.
I want you all to know that i’m not afraid of what you’ve been through, that your scars are symbols of strength, that what has happened to you, good or bad, is something I accept. You are wonderful, as a whole.
I am not afraid of the hard moments.
I want you to know, that I cannot even start to thank you.
You have taught me how to love myself in a way that is without abandon.
I want you to have the same affirmation.
I’m not perfect, but I know that I can try. I can try as hard as I can to try and fight, to try and leave my heart open, to try and love.
I hope that I might be able to do some good in the world, after all you have done for me.
Follow your heart & set it on fire, loves.
I can’t wait to see what we can do.
Xoxo,
Viktor
(✿◠‿◠)
Rodarte S/S 2016
